It’s Not Paranoia: Digital Abuse is Domestic Violence

It is one of the fastest growing forms of domestic violence we’re seeing today…

If someone followed their partner everywhere they went, watched their every move, and knew their exact location at all times, we would call that stalking.  

But when the same thing happens through a phone, it barely raises an eyebrow. Location sharing feels normal. Checking a partner’s messages feels like nothing. A shared account feels convenient. Somewhere along the way, technology made it easy to monitor the people we love, and much harder to tell where care ends and control begins. 

Domestic violence advocates and tech safety experts call this technology and digital abuse and control. It is one of the fastest growing forms of domestic abuse we’re seeing today, even though it rarely looks like what people picture when they hear the words “domestic violence.” 

What it actually looks like 

Technology and digital abuse and control don’t need bruises to be real. It shows up in ways that can feel almost invisible from the outside: 

Location tracking through AirTags, Find My, SmartTags, Find My Device, or family and driving apps like Life360, used not for safety but to monitor someone’s every move. 

Shared passwords and cloud accounts, regardless of our preference on providers, let one partner read the other’s messages, emails, or photos without asking. 

Spyware or so called stalkerware apps installed directly on a phone, sometimes disguised as parental control or antivirus software, that let someone read texts, see call logs, or track location in real time without the phone’s owner knowing. 

Spending trackers or banking apps used to monitor every purchase in real time, so a partner can’t buy so much as a coffee without it being questioned later. 

Social media monitoring, fake accounts, or messages sent under someone else’s name. 

Smart home devices, like doorbell cameras or smart locks, used to track who comes and goes, or to lock someone in or out. 

None of these tools were built to hurt people. They were built to help find lost keys, split bills, or keep a house secure. But in the wrong hands, they become something else entirely. 

Why this form of control is dangerous 

A few things make digital coercive control especially dangerous. First, it’s invisible. Friends and family can’t see it the way they might notice a raised voice or a flinch.  

Second, it’s constant. An abuser doesn’t need to be in the room to exert control anymore, the phone does that work for them, all day, every day.  

And third, the technology itself hasn’t caught up. Item trackers like AirTags were designed to find lost luggage, not to follow people, and manufacturers have been slow to build in real protection. Apple has reportedly received more than 40,000 stalking reports tied to AirTags between April 2021 and April 2024. 

This isn’t a lesser form of abuse. Digital monitoring often shows up alongside, or right before, physical violence. It’s a real warning sign, not just an uncomfortable habit. 

What we see at The Women’s Center 

“Technology has become one of the most common tools of control we see,” says Bolivia Bustamante, Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Program Manager and Credentialed Advocate at The Women’s Center. “And it’s often the hardest for survivors to prove, or even name.” 

Bolivia shares two cases from her work. In one, a survivor’s former husband reportedly hid tracking devices in her toddler son’s clothing, toys, and even food containers, and installed GPS software linked to the family vehicle. He always seemed to know where she was, showing up at places she’d never told him about. She started documenting every incident just to understand what was happening. The hardest part wasn’t just the fear of being watched constantly; it was that when friends suggested she might be exaggerating, she began doubting her own perception of reality. 

In another case, a male client sought advocacy and counseling for abuse by his wife, who monitored his computer, phone, and location without his knowledge, all while telling him he was overreacting or “crazy.” When he tried to record evidence of escalating incidents, the footage would mysteriously vanish from his phone. His fear deepened when his wife seemed to know he was getting outside help, at one point mocking the way he talked with his advocate, and telling him, “Go and talk to the woman who is helping you.” For him, that moment made clear that even his private efforts to get support might not be private at all. 

“Both cases show the same pattern,” Bolivia says. “It’s not just about tracking someone’s location. It’s about making them question what’s real and making sure they never feel like they have a safe or private space to turn to.” 

The law is starting to catch up  

As of July 1, 2026, Virginia updated its stalking law to specifically define cyberstalking, including harassment carried out through messaging apps, email, and social media.  

That means law enforcement now has clearer legal footing to pursue cases that happen primarily online or through a device, not just in person. A first offense is a misdemeanor, and repeat offenses can rise to a felony.  

It’s not a perfect fix, and advocates who pushed for the law say it could have gone further, but it’s real recognition that digital abuse is not a lesser form of harm. It’s abuse, and now Virginia law treats it as such. 

If something feels off 

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life to check in on this. A few things worth knowing: 

If you have an iPhone, the Find My app will alert you if an unfamiliar AirTag or tracker has been traveling with you. If you have an Android phone, the Find My Device app offers similar unknown tracker alerts, and Android’s built-in safety features can also detect Bluetooth trackers, including AirTags, moving with you. 

If a relationship feels like it involves constant monitoring rather than care, that feeling is worth trusting. 

If you’re thinking about leaving a relationship where monitoring is involved, be careful about deleting everything right away. It can feel like the instinct, but preserving some of that history can matter for both safety planning and evidence. An advocate can help you plan the safest way to handle it. 

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Our experienced advocates can help build a safety plan that accounts for the tech side of things too, not just the physical one. 

Where we go from here 

This year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month theme is With Survivors, Always, a push to move past simply raising awareness and toward real action. One seemingly small but very important piece is that if a friend tells you their partner always seems to know where they are, or gets upset about purchases, they never mentioned making, or reads their messages without asking, listen. These are not quirky relationship habits. It is control. And should be taken seriously. 

If you or someone you know needs support, our compassionate advocates are here to help, no judgment, no pressure, just support. Call or text (571) 385-1625 in Virginia, or call (202) 293-4580 in DC.

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