Why don’t they just leave?
The Women Center’s Victim Advocate Dispels Domestic Violence Myths
Despite decades of conversation and recognition as a criminal offense, many misconceptions about domestic violence persist. Some believe that abuse is a private family matter, that women who stay with abusive partners are weak-willed, or that abuse only happens to women.
This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we sat down with Bolivia Bustamante, a Victim Advocate at The Center. Bolivia’s involvement in this issue began more than 20 years ago when she volunteered to work among immigrant families and witnessed the struggle faced by victims. As an intimate partner violence survivor herself, she decided to help by advocating for them and hasn’t looked back.
Given Bolivia’s wealth of knowledge and experience, we asked her to clear up five common, persistent and dangerous myths about spousal abuse.
Myth 1: Domestic violence is physical abuse, which involves some sort of injury to the body.
We often come across news about domestic violence that talks about the victim being hit, punched, slapped. The information often comes with images of physical assault. As a result, we tend to associate domestic violence with physical abuse only, which leads us to overlook and disregard the severity of other forms of violence.
“I have seen everything from verbal and emotional abuse to attempted homicide. There is a huge range of domestic violence: verbal, emotional, psychological, including physical,” says Bolivia. We should understand that domestic violence doesn’t always include physical violence. It is the act of controlling, coercing, threatening, degrading, and being violent through emotional/psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, harassment, among others.
Myth 2: If it is so bad, why don’t they just leave?
This is a commonly asked question that ignores the severity of the abuse and suggests that the victim must be comfortable with the situation. “Victims of domestic violence or sexual assault are dominated in such a way that they are afraid to leave because this person could hurt them even more if they leave. Perpetrators often threaten to take the children away, hurt the family members or pets. But, the hardest cases of domestic violence are when the abuser has control over everything, including the finances to a point where the victim cannot access their own bank account,” shares Bolivia.
On average, it takes seven attempts before a victim can leave the relationship for good. Reports also show that more than 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim’s departure from the abuser’s life. When victims leave, abusers may lash out as a result of a sudden loss of control, which is why it is the most dangerous period of time for a victim.
Myth 3: The violence happened when the abuser ‘snapped’ or couldn’t control their anger.
There are many people who still believe that the violence happened in a moment of frenzy, when the abuser had uncontrolled rage. Nothing could be further away from the truth. The fact is that there is almost always a pattern to domestic violence. Abusers are strategic about gradually gaining control over the victim. “Abusers learn, know and study the victims; what hurts them and how they can have them under control,” says Bolivia.
Domestic violence is not an issue that can be addressed by anger management. It is a cycle wherein a person tries to gain and maintain control over their intimate partner over and over again.
Myth 4: Domestic violence only happens to women.
The CDC reports that 1 in 10 men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner. Since there is a stigma attached to men being victims, violence among men is hugely underreported.
“In many cases, the numbers could be higher. Men are often scared of being laughed at or being criticized for talking about the violence they are experiencing,” shares Bolivia. “Only this week, I had 4 men clients and my goal is to set up support groups for men because there is a huge need,” she adds.
Myth 5: It only happens to the poor or uneducated.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It can happen to anyone: all races, all ages, all genders, all religions, all income and education levels. However, media coverage on domestic violence among the poor or uneducated is overwhelmingly high. We almost never hear violence happening among the rich and educated population.
“Many domestic violence cases are never known or kept private because they involve high-profile or extremely wealthy people. In such cases, abusers know that because of their status, power, resources, and connections, they cannot be hurt. They feel like the law doesn’t apply to them,” shares Bolivia. Victims from these backgrounds find it difficult to look for justice within their circles. “For them, it is fighting against power or a system that has made abusers/perpetrators untouchable,” she explains.
Above all, domestic violence thrives in silence. To support and help victims and survivors, and to prevent domestic violence in the future, we all need to talk about it. “If you know it’s happening or someone is at risk, just make an anonymous call to the police. If you are close to them, let them know that they are not alone. Your support now can save a life,” appeals Bolivia.
If you or someone you know is seeking domestic violence counseling services, visit:
